I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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