so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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