i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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