I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
