My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
