just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
