Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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