there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
