Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
