There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
