Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
