when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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