I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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