Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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