I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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