apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You smell like stripper and shame
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
