Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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