We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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