I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
and i looked up. we had an audience...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
