using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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