I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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