Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
