cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
