Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
