I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
