Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
