were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
