Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize