Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
