While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
