its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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