I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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