Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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