I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
