WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
