I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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