u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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