Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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