Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
