I hate your face
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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