I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
