uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
