I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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