I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize