I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
