i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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