in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Come see our sink grown plant.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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