i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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