OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
