What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
