I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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