Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The beer is more important than you right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
