You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
