I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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