White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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