apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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